THE PERFECT LOVER

When I met my current girlfriend of five years I was jobless. By no means was I depressed, or down on myself though. Au contraire, I had left my job in the fitness industry on my own will. My boss frowned with suspicion when I told him I was leaving not knowing what I was going into next. “What kind of person does that??” I remember him shouting with disbelief permeating his voice. He didn't believe me and though I respected him, I didn't care.

Eight months went by and I got on the phone with a friend of mine: “I'd like to have a girlfriend, you know, meet someone and have some fun.”

He knew about my situation and didn't hesitate to set things straight. “Fred, find a job, get your life back together and then, you'll meet someone...”

We hung up and I remember how wrong it felt; I thought now was the time to meet someone. “When I do get the job and the money she may like me for the wrong reasons, in my book.” Speaking from experience, when success comes most people around us become odd, they change, and you get a lot of new ‘cousins.’

I didn't want that. My self-esteem was intact, my heart and my goals were at the right place, “That should be enough,” I kept mumbling.

Looking back, I was aware of what kind of woman I didn’t want:

-Someone who’s looking for job and financial stability. Someone who wants to ‘settle.’

-Someone who does things for others without first checking with herself if it’s right or wrong for her; such as family pressure, friends, etc…

-Who’s looking for a man to provide for her.

Shortly after I spoke to my friend, an ex-classmate from high school I hadn’t spoken for years contacted me on Facebook. The chat went well until she asked me what kind of job I was doing. When I told her I didn’t work and that I was volunteering, she never replied.

Surprisingly, I remained mostly unfazed. Yes it did stung a bit, not going to lie, but for the most part I realized that I knew what I wanted more than I thought.

I wrote a list that I still value to this day:

-A woman who puts God first, even before me. I didn't want her to be in any particular religion, I just wanted her to be spiritually grounded. I believed spiritually grounded people are happier, and when the storm comes they have a solid base. They're also more down to earth in general.

-Financially secure. Someone who controls her emotions towards money, regardless of whether her bank account is full or empty.

-Who listens to her intuition over anyone else's opinion. I didn't want someone who would let her friends guide her life. Friends are important, and although it's important to value what they say, I wanted someone who was mature enough to make a decision on her own.

-Who goes for her own dreams. A woman who dares to take risks and is willing to live this adventure called Life with me. Someone who would be my ally and would stand in the fire with me (and I with her), even when it’s unpopular.

I listed one hundred things touching on all subjects such as sex, clothes, and even the make-up. **As Martha Beck wrote on oprah.com: You must describe the person down to the color of the socks!

That's what I did and I met my current spouse a few weeks later...

With Purpose, Passion, and Love,

Frédéric Byé

** Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Find-Love-Do-Magic-Lists-Work#ixzz3cynFVYwS

SEX AND SPIRITUALITY

Sex fascinates us. It’s often forbidden, controversial, most of us have a strong opinion about it, and we all want it, whether we admit it or not.

North American people are not bothered by the idea of chastity, or abstinence, before marriage. In fact, many of us even never thought about it. As written in Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man, we no longer have to walk two miles to reach our neighbor’s door and marry his daughter, the only woman around. Today’s world is a little more complex. As soon as our foot hit the pavement, we are exposed, tempted. Most everything women wear that’s considered ‘beautiful’ is in fact related to many degrees to sex. 

I grew up in the Quebec and Montreal area in Canada. In these regions of the world, the idea of abstinence is considered archaic, passé, outdated, and I sure am unfamiliar with those rules. I officially lost my virginity at sixteen, my girlfriend at the time believed me when I told her, "don’t worry, just follow me, I got this, I did it before." Looking back, I was the virgin, she wasn’t.

When I got introduced to Christianity, and other types of spiritual beliefs, it was the first time I had heard about "no sex before marriage." It was also the first time I was around people who actually claimed to practice it, even here, in North America of all places.

To me, sex and spirituality are one and the same. A great sexual experience is a great spiritual experience.  It is my observation that for many of us sex is like money, everyone wants it but few admit to desire it. In the world of business, or even life in general, how many people walking the street look wealthy but are deep in debt? How many of us look hot and sexy, but have no fulfilled sex life? The quote, "believe half of what you see and none of what you hear," applies not only to business but life in general, I think.

Why, like money, don’t we teach sex to our kids in schools, even in 2015 (Instead of letting the porn industry do the job for us)? Deep in our consciousness, do we still hold ancient beliefs instilled by religious institutions that sex is dirty?  That we shouldn’t masturbate (especially for women?)

It  is my understanding that many surgeons claim women from different parts of the world sew their private parts to look virgin for their future husbands. Why such shame or fear? And where does sex and spirituality fit together?

Of course, if we base our opinion on what we see in porn, it is NOT spiritual at all, it isn’t even real sex. It’s more like a commercial showing a nice, performing car going at 80 miles an hour on the mountain roads under the cloudless, sunny sky. Even some porn stars admitted they feel ashamed, or guilty, for portraying sex this way, especially when they hear that teens get their education from it. Unlike billions of us who watch porn on a regular basis, those who understand the ‘behind the scenes’ realize that Santa really doesn’t exist.

How can we educate ourselves to combine sex and spirituality with sanity? From my experience, men need to understand women’s body (and psychology), and vice-versa. In my view, sex and spirituality are one and the same, and they come from the same source: Love.

        Sexual energy is the primal and creative energy of the universe. The suppression of sexual energy is false, ugly, and unchaste.

                                                  -Deepak Chopra

With Purpose, Passion, and Love,

Frédéric Byé

COLLEGE OR PASSION?

When I graduated from high school at seventeen, I was urged by my mother to get a ‘degree,’ to choose a subject to study, and go to College as soon as I could. In her world, this was the most important decision to make, one that would determine whether I’d be a success in life, or not.

To make a long story short, I attended for a year and a half to become a computer scientist –even though I had no interest. Finally, my mother allowed me to go after my dream at the time, when I was 21, to go to Louisville, Kentucky to be a wrestler (which was a positive, life-changing experience).

Now, when I see kids and listen to many radio shows, the subject of school is still a sensitive one. I get that if your dream is to be a doctor, a lawyer, or scientist of any sort, you have to go to College. But what about if you want to be a writer, an actor, an entrepreneur, or a singer?

Many people, wealthy and un-wealthy, walk with the secret shame that they didn’t finish College. There’s this stigma when someone asks which College you went to and the answer is, “I didn’t go to any.”

The pressure for kids in their late teens is huge when they finish high school, as if this is a make it or break it time. In my opinion, there are few kids this age who really know what they want. And oftentimes, the pressure from parents creates a bitter anxiety, and in the words of John Lennon, “you can't really function you're so full of fear.”

That question, college or not, became clearer when I was twenty-three. I met with three different counselors specialized to work with people who were searching for the right type of careers. These were their exact words, “If you knew the number of people who come to us saying they liked studying but really dislike working in their field, and they can’t just drop everything because they spent so much energy and money for their studies. (One of them shook her head) If you have a passion go for it now, because now you have the energy and, who knows, maybe you won’t even need a job or a degree because you’ll succeed. Schools are here to stay, they’ll still be there when you’ll be a hundred years old.”

That was enough for me. For the first time I had an objective answer, unlike the fear/emotion-filled responses I was used to when I would share my crazy ambitions with relatives.  

Knowing what I know now, success is much more about my inner qualities – perseverance, discipline, confidence, will to learn, ambition, etc…- than the degree I choose. Some people are janitors and multi-millionaires.

After I met with the counselors I had specific objectives in mind: Find my passion, then choose to use school as a tool to enhance my skills or not. I also chose to look at the ‘why’ I'm doing what I'm doing, not just the ‘how’ I'm going to succeed. 

With Purpose, Passion, and Love,

Frédéric Byé 

MEN AND MONEY (AND THE IMPACT ON WOMEN)

Men and women don't have the same attachment to money. In my personal experience, when I met clients as an advisor, women would have very different reactions from men when they couldn't afford a product. Women would say it straight up: “I don't have the money,” whereas men would groan, avoid my glare by looking at the document in front of them, and I would be met with statements such as: “this is of low quality because...”, “do me a favor, can you check this or that and comeback?” (of course they would cancel the next appointment),  in other words, they would say everything but the truth.

To men, money means self-worth, they can provide, it's related to their power, social status, and let's face it, it boosts our confidence about the other gender. It's all about the other gender; women show off their lipsticks, jewelry, sexy clothes, etc.... Men, it's all about wealth. The dough. The more dough, the more power, the more power, the more chicks. Bottom line.

Again in my experience, women are willing to talk openly about money or lack thereof,  they share out loud how their pay is low, they say how broke and how hard times are. Men...not so much. And let's face it ladies, a broke man isn't sexy, whereas a broke woman means she needs help, she needs us. And then we can become a hero.

As mentioned above, money is directly linked to our self-esteem, what we can give to a woman. That's why when we notice women with their Dolce Cabana bags and wide-brim Fedora hats, the first thing which comes to mind is how much she may cost us, and can we really afford her?  Our hearts might skip a beat when we see all that glitter, what's attractive to you might not be so attractive to us, depending on our economics.

Let's face it, only 4% of the population makes over 100 000$ a year, so that means few of us can afford you a wealthy, noteworthy lifestyle we can gloat about. And men, that's what we want: gloat about how wealthy we are and how our woman is well taken care of.

Money is linked to our ego too; our most precious asset. Having money means our ego is intact, we're safe, we got it all together. Financial struggle means our ego is shaken, crushed, we feel humiliated, and less than a man.

So many women say how guys never approach them, in fact the less wealthy a woman looks the more opportunities she'll get. The more fancy she looks...men will think twice; not because she's not attractive,  but because of economics. Pure and simple. We're providers, that's our instinctive nature, you don't give us the space to provide, we'll walk away, and you're still going to be looking for the man of your dreams. I'm not saying to look deprived, I'm saying be careful with your fancy, high-class manners...they can be either annoying or downright unattractive.

Bottom line ladies we use money to impress you, and when we don't have it we feel ashamed. Think about money as you think about your weight. Being looked as a broke ass dude is the equivalent of being looked at as out of shape and unattractive. Your weight and appearance are your sex appeal; to us money is our sex appeal.

With purpose, passion, and love, 

Frederic Byé