So on
that warm summer in 2010, I googled the closest church from my home in
Longueuil, Quebec, and the first I saw was New Life Church, about five minutes
away.
That
Friday, I strolled to the place and was amazed when I saw people my age, in
their twenties, walking in. Not only were they present, but they were into it, singing, waving with their arms
up. It didn’t take time to figure out that this place wasn’t the usual Catholic
church with the preacher speaking from the stage. No. This place had a live
band playing rock music. The pastor was dressed with regular everyday clothes,
and I should say he was just a little older than me, maybe in his early
thirties. I was hooked. I was amazed how young everyone was and how they cared
about this kind of stuff. They weren’t in bars trying to look cool, or smoking,
or drinking, or…you get the picture.
I sat in
the front row with my black basketball pants, blue NIKE t-shirt, and my cap in
reverse. As I observed the modest stage, I remember tilting my head slightly to
the right and seeing this dark skinned girl sitting by herself. I asked her
what time the event started (obviously I knew, but hey, I had to say something).
The rest, as we say, is history.
I knew
the moment I began to talk to this woman that things flowed between her and I.
We all have this sixth sense when you know things will go smooth. And they did.
The first time I spoke to her I remember thinking how she’s definitely the type
of woman that if I wouldn’t be her boyfriend, I’d like to have her as a friend.
I respected her.
Four and
a half years later, as of this writing, we’re still together though we had many
ups and downs, obviously. So couples, and most importantly singles, listen up!
1.
Never take your spouse for
granted. He or
she will leave. Guaranteed. Soon or later. And before she leaves, she’ll have
been with other ‘partners.’ So easy to take the easy road, get into the
routine, and believe that she’ll never leave you. She will. How do you not take your relationship for granted? Gifts,
going out, dancing, do things just for her, bring flowers home, visit new
places, I would even say that sometime it’s good to have a break once in a
while – for a week or so, not for six months obviously – that way you’ll realize
how much you miss him or her. (And sex will be damn good also!)
In
other words, get off your butt.
2.
The illusion of a perfect, stable
relationship is just that, an illusion. For you single folks out there, I hope I don’t
burst your bubble but Prince Charming doesn’t exist, and for the men, well,
your woman won’t get up in the morning with her make up on wearing heels naked.
Nope. That’s in the books. I don’t preach for my choir, but it’s the truth. No
relationship is perfect nor stable, it is constantly a work in progress. She will
piss you off, he will do the same, now what do you do? I think any relationship
is self-work, each individual in the relationship must make the effort to make
it work. Although it’s hard for me to do sometimes, we have to be honest with
our feelings, even our attraction to another person, because hey, it will
happen.
3.
Are we sexually compatible? Yeah she’s hot. Yeah he’s
wealthy. Yeah on the outside he or she is perfect. But what happens when you
live day to day and you like to do ‘the thing’ every other day, and he doesn’t
mind not doing it for three weeks?
I’ve been in this situation, it’s not fun. And yes, sex does matter. If one of
the partners is sexually frustrated and the other isn’t willing to acknowledge
the issue, well I don’t think it can work. Put some money aside and visit a
trustworthy couple’s therapist or sexologist, I did, and it really helped. (Do
your due diligence in finding a competent one though.)
4.
Looks don’t really matter in the
end. In my
opinion, when you share your life with someone, you live with their inner
selves, not their outer selves. Trust me, if he does nothing in the house and
you have to pick up after him, if she doesn’t like nature and you do, if he
doesn’t like to train and you’re a gym fanatic, if he doesn’t mind eating fried
chicken every day and you’re more of a salad kind of girl, those things will be
more of a relationship-breaker than whether or not she likes heels and hair
extensions, or whether he likes to wear a suit and a tie. As clichéd as it may sound,
in my opinion, the inside is more important than the outside when it comes to a
lasting relationship.
5.
MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! I saved that one for last
because, well, money is the number one cause of separation! Number one! Two
weeks after J and I (I call her J because I think it’s cute) were officially
together, we sat down at her kitchen table, opened our bank statements (and we
did the same for STDs), and we went over what we had (she had more money than
me). That was one of the most important steps in our relationship. So far,
we’ve had very few arguments about money, we can count them on one hand, and we
are comfortable and open about our financial situation. Knowing what I know
now, you can physically cheat on
someone and you can financially cheat
on someone. Be honest from the start. If a person doesn’t want to date you
because you don’t have enough money, well, you wouldn’t want to be with him or
her anyway.
Though
there are many other things I could have mentioned, I believe these are some of
the most important for us.
With Purpose, Passion, and Love,
Frédéric Byé
Thanks for the inspiration!! continue!!!
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