ANGER

Have you ever been so angry at someone that you became numb? To the point where their words or actions overwhelm you and you don’t even react anymore? It could be towards a spouse, a parent, or even a stranger. How do you deal with anger?

To me, anger is an essential emotion; it tells us when we’re on the wrong track or not, when we need to do a ‘cleansing’ of negative emotions, and it’s an indicator of our state of mind. When channeled it can be good, when not, it can be devastating.

A colleague of mine carries so much resentment towards men that she’s completely turned off by them. Coming from a hard background –jailed father, alcoholic mother, she was beaten and stalked by her ex-boyfriend that resulted in a car accident; she also suffered partial loss of memory. Oh yeah, she also had cancer when she was seventeen. 

Each event happened before her twenty-seventh birthday. 

The shame of it is she is beautiful, alive, vibrant, you’d meet her and you’d immediately like her. She is driven, responsible, and loves animals (to me that’s a big indicator of a person’s character) But…but…inside, she is angry. Very angry, towards men. She’s in a sexless, emotionless, relationship, and confessed that if it wasn’t for the house they own, she’d leave him in a heartbeat.

Like my colleague, some of us are in a relationship but carry secret resentment for our spouse; it may come from a betrayal or something they said in the past. How do you react when the person you love, care about, and who has so much positive to them, disappoint you? Can you look them in the eye? Can you be in the same room as them and be present with them? 

In my opinion, our relationships become our secrets. Somehow, some way, the secrets will manifest themselves; unless we are completely honest with the other person.

The quote, ‘un-forgiveness is like drinking poison hoping it kills the other person’ couldn’t be more true. For me, the manifestation of unexpressed anger takes the form of a headache, I might have stomach cramps, I may be grumpy for a while and hit the gym.

Fortunately, I’ve often channeled my anger by writing; it’s been my saving grace, my outlet, it saved me from doing stupid things for a long time. Meditation and walking in the woods are also other ways I deal with my anger.

How do you channel your anger?

At the same time, anger is a great source of creativity, isn’t it? Any type of fictional story is driven by strong emotions. The readers, or listeners, won’t care what your character, or story, says unless they relate to it. In my opinion, the best way to create a ‘relationship’ with the reader is through strong emotions such as anger. 

Why do we cling to negative feelings so much? Are we an anger prone society? Why are so many of us quick to it? Why do we hear stories about ‘calm’ people who suddenly turn into monsters, seemingly in a blink of an eye?

As anything else in life, I think anger may be a good thing or bad thing, depending on how we use it, wouldn’t you agree?

With Purpose, Passion, and Love,

Frédéric Byé

THINGS MEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

I’m a man who’s been fortunate enough to be in a relationship for the last five years with someone who is willing to tell me the truth about how she feels and how women behave.

In the relationship I am now, I came to the realization that I knew nothing about women. Zilch. Notta. Nil. And believe me, when a woman is willing to tell you this to your face, chances are your ego will be crushed, your confidence shaken, and you realize that as much as you thought you were a stud, you are not.

Most men nowadays get their sex education from porn. The woman with the big breasts who, by penetration only, has a delightful orgasm. She shouts, moans, acts as though the man doing it is her God. Well guys, breaking news, he’s not. And she’s not enjoying it. Believe me. It is my understanding that she’s even probably high on something, you know…stoned. Not to mention the lubricator they use, just watch documentaries on Youtube and you’ll get a behind the scene look.

When guys are fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, not only do we think we’re studs, but our friends often push us into peer pressure to ‘go talk to that girl, show us how much of a man you are!’ or ‘if I would have been in your place I would have told her this and that.’ Guys are full of piss and vinegar when together, but when comes crunch time (taking action towards women), our balls shrink to the size of raisins. Not only does porn screw our minds up about women, but we have peer pressure to show our clueless friend that we’re full of testosterone…even though we have no idea what to do with it.

Here are some fundamental truths about women:

1.      Few women reach orgasm by vaginal or clitoral stimulation only.

Bummer. Guys, the fact that you’re going at 100 miles an hour like a freaking rabbit doesn’t do much for her, in fact, she probably doesn’t feel anything. You’re not Ron Jeremy or Lexington Steele. Unless she’s willing to fake it to satisfy you. Take your time, you’re not in a rush (unless you do it in an airplane restrooms), learn about women’s body; you might go ‘aaaa jeez…really? I don’t want to read a freakin’ book!’ Trust me, from what I’ve been told, few men know how to pleasure a woman, don’t be one of them because guess what, all her friends will know that you suck in bed, besides you. 

2.      Men are like the sun, women are like flowers.

Men shine always, ever ready to ‘enlighten’ his female counterpart. We see a stranger on the street who attracts us and suddenly a strange force, like an involuntary impulse, takes over us. We could have sex right here, right now. Women…not so much L…unless she’s in one of those rare periods when her hormones are playing dirty tricks on her body, and good luck trying to figure out when it’s happening. For the most part, they need ‘watering’, seduction, romance. In fact, a therapist even told J, my partner, that women are able to live with romance only! How boring would that be for us guys, huh? Well, it’s the way it is. Most of the time, romance wins over sex. Guys, get romantic!!

3.      There should be a ‘beware’ sign hanging around every woman’s neck: Hormones! Hormones! Hormones!

Guys, they have hormones, we don’t. Don’t try to understand it, it will never happen. When she goes off on you for being a selfish prick who doesn’t appreciate her, quietly listen, nod, say ‘I understand.’ Believe me it works. It’s a pain, but it works. Two days later she’ll have forgotten all about it, and everything will be back to normal. The worst thing you can do is argue with her during those moments; you’ll lose, hands down.

Overall, the things we guys should remember is this: When it comes to sex, women enjoy the general experience, not just the act itself. Get off your porn and get on real dates.

Women are sensual beings. They don’t care how fast you go, they want to enjoy the moment; put some music, light candles, make sure an agreeable scent permeates the room, learn how to dance (according to women, men who know how to dance are good in bed.)

Finally, women are all about emotions. Everything goes through emotions, so don’t try to rationalize them, simply show that you care for her.

With Purpose, Passion, and Love,

Frédéric Byé

Incredible as usual, thanks Paulo coelho

You should read "On Writing" on Wattpad. http://w.tt/1Q2cCh7

THE PRICE OF GOING AFTER WHAT WE TRULY WANT

We all have jobs, or receive an income from some entity. Some of us are engineers, others actors, others writers. But are we really doing what we want? Are we doing the things we were meant to do on this earth? If not, what are we willing to risk to achieve them?

Depending on which part of the world you come from, your answer will vary. In some cultures, the sole purpose when you’re a woman is to give birth and take care of the family. Women accept this principal and don’t look any further. Other places, the main goal for men is to provide an income to also take care of the family. For example, I remember telling certain people in my family in Gabon that I chose my work simply because it’s my passion, and I was met with a few sneers.

It is my belief that here in America, the question of finding our life’s purpose is much more important than other places. But how many of us are actually pursuing it?

Each of us are in different situations, some have 24-hour care children, others are still in school, while others have so much money they don’t know what to do with it. Given our differences, our fears also differ.

For example, when I quit my job as a fitness trainer I didn’t know what was going to come next; all I knew is that it was time to leave. The same thing when I decided to become a writer. Though there was a part of me that knew it was time to dive into it, the other part was afraid; in this competitive world there are no guarantees, am I going to fail? Am I ever going to make a dime with this thing? 
What about those who have been writing for years and who still are trying to get a break? Our minds often trick us into wanting to know the outcome right away, as if the path should reveal itself before we step into the unknown.

The solution? For me, I had to learn to live in the present and get over my fears. I had to trust in a higher power that if this is what I was really supposed to do on this earth, then everything would be alright. In the end, I found out that the results will take care of themselves, and the only work we really need to do is our spiritual work, the inner work. The outside will follow.

Are you willing to break the mold and take a risk? We live only once.

“As within, so without…”

-          Hermes Trismegistus

With Purpose, Passion, and Love,

Frédéric Byé

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AFTER 5 YEARS

My partner and I met at a Youth, Evangelistic church almost five years ago. I remember how my sole purpose to visit this kind of place was to meet new, value-oriented people. I needed fresh new friends, who lived by other principles than how much money do they need? What’s the classiest suit I can buy? Or what kind of car do I dream about?

So on that warm summer in 2010, I googled the closest church from my home in Longueuil, Quebec, and the first I saw was New Life Church, about five minutes away.

That Friday, I strolled to the place and was amazed when I saw people my age, in their twenties, walking in. Not only were they present, but they were into it, singing, waving with their arms up. It didn’t take time to figure out that this place wasn’t the usual Catholic church with the preacher speaking from the stage. No. This place had a live band playing rock music. The pastor was dressed with regular everyday clothes, and I should say he was just a little older than me, maybe in his early thirties. I was hooked. I was amazed how young everyone was and how they cared about this kind of stuff. They weren’t in bars trying to look cool, or smoking, or drinking, or…you get the picture.

I sat in the front row with my black basketball pants, blue NIKE t-shirt, and my cap in reverse. As I observed the modest stage, I remember tilting my head slightly to the right and seeing this dark skinned girl sitting by herself. I asked her what time the event started (obviously I knew, but hey, I had to say something). The rest, as we say, is history.

I knew the moment I began to talk to this woman that things flowed between her and I. We all have this sixth sense when you know things will go smooth. And they did. The first time I spoke to her I remember thinking how she’s definitely the type of woman that if I wouldn’t be her boyfriend, I’d like to have her as a friend. I respected her.

Four and a half years later, as of this writing, we’re still together though we had many ups and downs, obviously. So couples, and most importantly singles, listen up!

1.      Never take your spouse for granted. He or she will leave. Guaranteed. Soon or later. And before she leaves, she’ll have been with other ‘partners.’ So easy to take the easy road, get into the routine, and believe that she’ll never leave you. She will. How do you not take your relationship for granted? Gifts, going out, dancing, do things just for her, bring flowers home, visit new places, I would even say that sometime it’s good to have a break once in a while – for a week or so, not for six months obviously – that way you’ll realize how much you miss him or her. (And sex will be damn good also!)

In other words, get off your butt.

2.      The illusion of a perfect, stable relationship is just that, an illusion. For you single folks out there, I hope I don’t burst your bubble but Prince Charming doesn’t exist, and for the men, well, your woman won’t get up in the morning with her make up on wearing heels naked. Nope. That’s in the books. I don’t preach for my choir, but it’s the truth. No relationship is perfect nor stable, it is constantly a work in progress. She will piss you off, he will do the same, now what do you do? I think any relationship is self-work, each individual in the relationship must make the effort to make it work. Although it’s hard for me to do sometimes, we have to be honest with our feelings, even our attraction to another person, because hey, it will happen.

3.      Are we sexually compatible? Yeah she’s hot. Yeah he’s wealthy. Yeah on the outside he or she is perfect. But what happens when you live day to day and you like to do ‘the thing’ every other day, and he doesn’t mind not doing it for three weeks? I’ve been in this situation, it’s not fun. And yes, sex does matter. If one of the partners is sexually frustrated and the other isn’t willing to acknowledge the issue, well I don’t think it can work. Put some money aside and visit a trustworthy couple’s therapist or sexologist, I did, and it really helped. (Do your due diligence in finding a competent one though.)

4.      Looks don’t really matter in the end. In my opinion, when you share your life with someone, you live with their inner selves, not their outer selves. Trust me, if he does nothing in the house and you have to pick up after him, if she doesn’t like nature and you do, if he doesn’t like to train and you’re a gym fanatic, if he doesn’t mind eating fried chicken every day and you’re more of a salad kind of girl, those things will be more of a relationship-breaker than whether or not she likes heels and hair extensions, or whether he likes to wear a suit and a tie. As clichéd as it may sound, in my opinion, the inside is more important than the outside when it comes to a lasting relationship.

5.      MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! I saved that one for last because, well, money is the number one cause of separation! Number one! Two weeks after J and I (I call her J because I think it’s cute) were officially together, we sat down at her kitchen table, opened our bank statements (and we did the same for STDs), and we went over what we had (she had more money than me). That was one of the most important steps in our relationship. So far, we’ve had very few arguments about money, we can count them on one hand, and we are comfortable and open about our financial situation. Knowing what I know now, you can physically cheat on someone and you can financially cheat on someone. Be honest from the start. If a person doesn’t want to date you because you don’t have enough money, well, you wouldn’t want to be with him or her anyway.

Though there are many other things I could have mentioned, I believe these are some of the most important for us.

With Purpose, Passion, and Love,

            Frédéric Byé